father's day

It's hard to feel 'happy' after your child dies, but it's even harder to enjoy the days that are meant for 'celebrating'......birthdays, holidays, mother's day, father's day.....

On father's day this year, I woke up a little later than usual, and couldn't bring myself to want to get out of bed.  When I did get up, I pretty much went straight into Catelyn's room.  Her room used to be pretty simplistic....a crib, a full bed, a dresser/changing table, a rocking chair and a bookshelf.  Now it holds all of that, plus a lot of boxes.....boxes filled with clothes, books, toys, towels, etc.  Things that I couldn't figure out where to store, so I figured that while her room isn't occupied physically, there is room in it to store the 'stuff'.

So, I went in.  I felt the need to try to organize, and while I cleared off the bed from the clutter that it held, and found more bins to organize the things that were out in the open, I still couldn't seem to do the organizing that I was longing to do.  I actually found myself thinking 'I wish I would've taken care of this while I was still in shock and it didn't hurt so much'.  What a bizarre wish, but it's true.  It was easier to do some things when I didn't feel.  It's probably true for everyone.  Don't get me wrong, I'm actually glad I didn't do it then, because I probably would've gotten rid of a ton of things I didn't want to.  I might've taken her crib down entirely, and boxed up the whole room and moved everything somewhere else, like the basement.

Honestly, I'll take the pain of sorting any day, as long as it means I get to remember Catelyn.  Ulitmately, the stuff is just stuff, but the memories that the things offer are the real treasure. 

...Perhaps one of these days I'll begin to blog more of my memories, and not just how I'm getting through.