Friday, July 27, 2012

9 years and 1 angel

When I started my new job, a couple of months ago, I made sure to tell my immediate co-workers about Catelyn's death.  I wanted to be able to bring it up first, so that I could feel more comfortable and not dread each moment, worrying about when the question would come up, or how to answer.

I do have Catelyn's picture on my desk, because it's wonderful to see her, but I didn't want to spur a lot of conversation about 'how old is she?  is she your only child?' etc...

A couple of weeks ago, one of my co-workers was talking with me, and asked how long I've been married.  I replied, 'As of next month, it will be 9 years!', and then I thought, 'Wow, can that be possible?'  (side note: while I understand that, at 32 years of age, I am old enough to be married 9 years, part of me feels like I'm not old enough to be married that long, because 32 is, in fact, young!)

The response was, 'wow, you waited a long time to have kids'.


Now, I am the kind of person who tries VERY hard not to pry into the lives of others, especially when it comes to children.  I don't know anyone else's circumstances, unless they volunteer it, and I refuse to ask because I realize that a lot of things factor in:  health, fertility, choice, etc...  Perhaps I am oversensitive to the thoughts and feelings of other people (okay, let's face it, this is true), but I don't feel it's my place to ask.  The ability and desire to have children can be a very a sensitive subject, and I just don't want to dredge up a lot of unwanted feelings for other people.

So, I replied, "Well, it wasn't by choice.  If I would've had it my way, I would've been pregnant within the first year of my marriage."  We, then, had a discussion about how it took her a couple of years to get pregnant with her first child and then it was smooth sailing after that.

I didn't go into it, and I'm not really sure why I'm talking about it publicly, but my husband and I went through a couple of years with no luck, and because I had some health related concerns, we then started undergoing testing.  Even with the testing, nothing was ever fully confirmed, but to be honest, we were beginning to think we'd never be able to have children.  So to this day, we don't know why it took so long, but what I can tell you is:  I was ~ 4 months pregnant at my 6 year anniversary, had a 7 month old by my 7th anniversary, had a 19 month old by my 8th anniversary, and for my 9th anniversary, I will have an angel.

A lot can change in 3 years.

Thankfully, I wasn't asked if we are planning to have more children, because I might've kicked her for prying....or more likely, become tearful and had to have walked away. 

For the record....a decision has been made, but I am not publicizing it at this time - and please don't ask, because it IS personal.

1 comment:

  1. I'm one of those people that always sticks their foot in their mouth, so I appreciate you sharing your journey that we may all learn to be more sensitive and appreciate our gifts.

    my mother lost a daughter at 2 (and I a sister). we all come out with different perspectives: after 4 lost pregnancies in a year preceding the 2 beautiful boys we have now my husband chose to get a vasectomy. my mother quetioned the choice by asking "But what if something happens to one of the boys?" this hurt me greatly, as though a child could simply be replaced. (now you know foot-in-mouth disease is hereditary!)

    I wish you strength during this most difficult period, and thank you again for sharing your journey.