Monday, June 11, 2012

9 months....

Today marks 9 months since Catelyn died.  Some days are up, some days are down.  I guess it gets easier, but sometimes it still feels like I start over from square one.  Sometimes it's the shows I watch, sometimes it's other people's lives, sometimes it's things I want to do with Catelyn, but cannot.  I've said it before, and I'll say it's usually the unexpected.

Just the other day, I realized that there are a few things next to my bedside (on the floor) that I cannot bring myself to move.  I have one of Catelyn's little receiving blankets - she'd always snuggle up with them; one of her little socks - it's one of the ones that I sought to replace at the hospital because they were getting a little snug; and one of my socks, which I lent to her at the hospital because it didn't mess up her pick lines that were in her leg, but allowed her to stay warm (it was white and fuzzy, but looked a lot like a cast...we thought we had her next halloween costume figured out).

My husband and I worked in Catelyn's garden yesterday, and as we worked, we listened to WGN radio because the Chicago Cubs were playing ball, and that is one of our favorite pastimes.  As we listened, the announcer, Pat Hughes, referenced an idea for Father's day.  It actually hurt my heart to hear his words because last year for Father's Day, I ordered a Ron Santo book for my husband, and on his special day, he and Catelyn sat on the couch and opened it together.  I'm glad to have that special memory caught on tape and film, but it hurts to know that there won't be an option to do that this year.

Like I said, some moments are up, and some are down, and it changes from thought to thought, experience to experience, and moment to moment....

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