Thursday, January 24, 2013

the bitter truth

We all have moments that are up, and moments that are down.  No one's life is truly any "better" than anyone else's, it's just that we don't cycle on the same timeline, so sometimes when we are down, others are up, and vice versa. 

The truth is that everyone struggles.  And right now, I am struggling....battling even.

I am finding myself at the hard place where it feels like I don't fit in anywhere.  I am no longer who I was, and I can't quite figure out where I belong. 

If I were a puzzle piece, I would probably be one of those ones that you've spilled something on.  My puzzle piece has become smudged, warped.  Or maybe my puzzle piece is one that the dog has chewed the edge of.  No matter which one you pick, I can't seem to figure out how or where I fit.  I keep turning myself around and around trying to make myself fit back into my space that seems wrong.  My puzzle piece has changed, but I can't seem to figure out how to fix it.  I've thought about trying to trim the edges with scissors, or even take a hammer and puond myself into place.

I can't see where I fit.  I feel completely lost.

You see, I gave birth to a wonderful daughter.  She was a part of our life for 28 months (8 in womb and 20 out of womb), and now, physically, she is gone.  She was our only child, so by appearance, it looks as though my husband and I have no children. 

So, when I am with friends who have not had children I cannot fully relate to their lives, because I did in fact have a child, though she isn't physically seen.  And on the flip side, when I am with friends who have children, I cannot fully relate to their lives, because my child isn't physically here.

I am in this odd sort of limbo-like state.  I know I belong, and I know I fit in, but I am trying so hard to figure it out that I end up feeling isolated instead of comforted or protected.

There are plenty of people who deeply care about me and love me.  They hurt to see me hurting.  They want to help me.  They want to make me better.  They would do anything to ease my pain.  They would fix me if they could.  They think I am strong as I go through all of this....but the bitter truth is that I am falling apart. 

I struggle to get out of bed in the morning.  I still find glimpses of good things, but they are only momentary.  My view is fogged over, and I'm stuck in this dark, hard place.  There is no magic fix - believe me, I've looked. 

There is nothing I can do on my own right now to make me better, so I am trying to seek help from others.  Essentially, I'm wandering in the fog with my arms outstretched, and when I come into contact with someone, anyone, I grab them to me and try to explain what I need.  I don't really know what I need...

So here it is in plain language....I'm 16 months into my bereavement, and I'm struggling with major depression.  I can no longer take care of myself, so I am seeking help from my therapist.  I am happy to report that we have figured out a plan to help me get the care that I need. 

I am greatly looking forward to moving out of the fog.


  1. Lots of love to you, Tracy.

  2. Even as a mom of children, I find it hard to fit in. To find purpose again where once my purpose seemed drawn out for me.

    Each person has their own timeline. I am happy to pray for you and journey alongside you in the dark, lonely place. Take all the time you need, love. There is grace enough.


  3. Not sure how I would have handled what you have had to do either Tracy. I am sure I would need extra help as well. I am glad you are coming up with a plan. We will keep all in our prayers.

    On the good note, we have been trying to do extra acts of kindness in honor of Catelyn. I was able to let someone cut in line at Target. She kept going on and on about how nice it was, and I was able to tell her why I did it. I actually told her Catelyn's name. She said she was sorry about my Great niece, but what a nice thing to do in honor of her! I thought that was cool... Love you, Tracy

    Aunt Becky