Thursday, July 4, 2013

Will I make it?

Every day I try to figure out how to find healing and comfort from the tragic death of Catelyn.

I don't know what I should be looking for, or where I should focus, or how to find the "magic checklist" that will tell me all of the steps to follow to make everything better (believe me, I know there is no magic checklist, but it doesn't stop me from trying to find it!).

Every day, I am doing the best I can.
I'm sure I make plenty of mistakes.
I imagine that I make things harder than they have to be.
I'm sure I overlook a ton of simple things.

I am constantly trying to gain control over my feelings, which turns into trying find ways to cram my feelings into tiny crevices that they will never fit into.....and eventually they explode all over.

I want answers.....
I want to know how I'm supposed to get through this.
I want reassurance that not only can I get through this, but I will be able to love a child again.
I want to know that someday I won't feel a piercing stab in my heart each time I see someone who loves being a parent (or worse, hates being a parent).
I want to know that there is truly nothing I could have done to magically have healed Catelyn (yeah, I still struggle with the guilt piece).

How do I stop being afraid and let my heart love again?  How can I function in "normal" every day situations?

I have been paralyzed by loss, and I feel like I can't find my way out.  I've looked so many places for answers, and I am so weary.  I am not a very patient person.  I hate waiting for answers.  As I've struggled, I've reached out to people I know, people I don't, counselors, and countless articles and books.  And, as I've talked to others, I have often heard responses such as:  "Back in the old days, people endured tons of loss, and they made it through; you will too." 

That's great, but those people aren't around for me to ask, and while they made it, I often wonder if I will.  I am so tired of seeking answers that don't fit.

So, imagine my surprise when I stumbled across an article (Letting Go of Our Fear of Loss) on today, and actually found answers to some of my questions and concerns on how to know I will make it through the challenges I have been given.

As I read the article, I realized something huge today: our ancestors suffered and struggled with significant losses too, and they made it through, likely with a lot of struggle and suffering of their own.

Rather than trying to figure out how they made it, and instead of finding myself frozen by fear, I should instead radically accept that because they made it, I will too.  And, in honor of all they endured, I should make a confident leap, head first into the depths of love, knowing that I will move forward, instead of cowering in the background of life, afraid of death, afraid of love, afraid of living.

My heart may become shattered again in the future, but I come from stock that won't be entirely broken by pain.  I must trust and love and continue to live.

If not for my ancestors, then for Catelyn, who died too soon.

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