Saturday, October 6, 2012

Celebration Blahs

My birthday was last's forever 15 days after Catelyn's angel-versary, so it's not really a day I enjoy anymore, which is kind of sad, because I used to LOVE birthdays.

On Thursday this week, I was talking with a friend, as we went out for my post-birthday celebration.  We were talking about lots of things, and Halloween came up on the list.  I said that I don't know that I'll be up for it this year.

Celebrations really aren't fun for me anymore.  Instead of creating happy feelings, they tend to stir up a bunch of emotions that don't match the intended mood.  Birthdays and weddings (a time of joy and celebration) remind me that Catelyn doesn't get to have those things, Christmas and Thanksgiving (a time for friends and family) remind me that my family isn't all here, and days for laughter and silliness (such as Halloween) aren't fun because my heart is broken, and I don't want to be silly.

As we talked about Halloween, I said that if Halloween was a holiday that allowed people to be sad and depressed, I would probably love it so much right now.  We could dress like death, and feel sad, and it would be marvelous!

Then we giggled at the idea of a purposefully sad holiday that allowed us to feel gloomy, hurt, let down, angry, and all of the other things that happen with grief.

I realize that the idea may sound inappropriate to some, but the twisted and bereaved side of me thinks it's a fantastic idea.  It is likely that those who haven't lost someone close to them won't care as much, but I think that those who have would love the opportunity for it to be 'okay' to be sad and broken one day out of the year.  At this point in my grief, I would absolutely look forward to that day.  A day not insistent in laughing, fun, silliness or smiles (though if those things happened while remembering our loved ones, that would be fine).  It would also be fine to cry or sob, scream, sit around in your jammies all day long, look at pictures, pull out all of their things, watch videos and more.  I can honestly say I would look forward to that date.

Then again, one day is not really enough...perhaps it should be a week....  :)

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