I remember.

This one might be harder for people to read.  It's what I remember from Catelyn’s hospital stay:

• I remember the diarrhea with blood in it.
• I remember the lack of urination, eating and drinking.
• I remember the doctor 'huddles' every day in the room, when her case was discussed.
• I remember being so scared for the first dialysis treatment and that I didn’t want to be in the room.  I had misunderstood that they were going to just be putting lines into her veins in her groin area, so I asked if we could leave for that part and was told yes.  
• I remember coming back to the room, thinking it was all done, and finding out that they still needed to do the dialysis.  Overall, I held up well for the dialysis, but I really relied heavily on my husband to stay by Catelyn’s side during the procedure.
• I remember discovering that the anal fissure was too much to take when trying to change her diaper, and feeling like such a failure because I couldn’t even stomach the sight of the ooze seeping from her bottom.   
• I remember being so grateful for the nursing staff who was willing to change her diapers to spare us from the pain of seeing the anal fissure leakage.
• I remember that on the day of Catelyn’s 2nd dialysis treatment, I was less worried about the procedure, but more so worried that Catelyn was going to be awake and not wanting to lie in bed for the duration of the procedure.
• I recall one of the technicians singing to Catelyn through most of the procedure, and that she tried offering ‘Backyardigans’ on her iPhone and saying that one of her children had a procedure once and she laid on the bed with her child every day
•  I remember contemplating lying on the bed with Catelyn for the duration of her stay, but not wanting to get caught up in her lines.
• I remember getting ready to make a quick run home on Saturday night, and seeing Catelyn look so bright eyed, and then hearing her exclaim ‘mama’, for what would be her last time, as I walked out of the restroom and she sat on my husband's lap coloring in my crossword puzzle book.
• I remember thinking we were on the upswing.....for a moment.
• I remember driving home on Saturday, and having this odd feeling that she was in trouble and my husband was going to call the house and say we lost her while I wasn’t there.
• I remember thinking that Sunday would be a day of ‘rest’, and that we would have a nice low-key day as she recovered from her 2nd dialysis treatment.
• I remember picking up a few things from Target mid-Sunday morning (including socks to fit her better), and looking forward to watching veggie tales movies and doing other little things with Catelyn, while my husband was at work that next week.
• I remember giving Catelyn a sponge bath – with the help of a nursing assistant, and putting her own clothes, a dress, to try to help her feel a little better.
• I remember holding Catelyn and trying to give her comfort, though it really seemed like she was in pain.
• I remember telling the nursing assistant about Catelyn’s behavior and reactions, and realizing that she was no longer cognizant of her surroundings.
• I remember snapping my fingers in front of Catelyn’s face, hoping she would come to, and when she didn’t, knowing that there was a real problem.
• I remember running down the hallway with the doctors and nurses trying to get her to the CT-scan. 
• I remember not being able to stay in the room for the scan because it was too scary.
• I remember sitting down in the hallway texting my dear friend because I was so afraid and things didn’t seem to be going well.
• I remember being in the P-ICU and one of the dr’s telling us that they needed to take action or she would be dead (though I can’t remember anything else he said at that moment except ‘sorry for being blunt’).
• I remember going into the room next door to call my folks and yelling at my mom because I needed her to understand that "Catelyn [was] in trouble"….which was all I could bring myself to say. 
• I remember our nurse, at that moment, politely taking the phone from my hand to talk to my mom and explain the situation.
• I remember calling my sister and telling her to come.
• I remember calling others to come.
• I remember waiting.
• I remember panicking.
• I remember talking to another dear friend, while pacing in another room.
• I remember going in to see Catelyn before her surgery, and singing ‘You are my sunshine’ to her and holding her hand. 
• I remember the horrible squeaking sound of the air pump they used to give her oxygen.
• I remember hearing the oxygen pump sound in the hallway outside the room we were waiting in
• I remember being informed that her blood pressure had been very low for too long, so if she started to crash during the surgery, they would not be able to resuscitate her.
• I remember feeling very anxious.
• I remember wanting to be away from everyone.
• I remember feeling like I needed to get some rest.
• I remember deciding to rest next to my husband.
• I remember knowing exactly what it meant when the three doctors/surgeons entered the waiting room, though they didn't say a word.
• I remember the staff sitting across from us.
• I remember staring at the surgeon's shoes.
• I remember them telling us she was gone, and they couldn't say why for sure.
• I remember them telling us that they tried for an hour to resuscitate her.
• I remember saying 'thank you for trying', as I looked all three of them in the eyes.
• I remember the surgeon giving me a look that almost said 'how dare you'
• I remember calling my parents, and my sister.
• I remember calling my aunt.
• I remember that Catelyn's daycare mom called me because she had arrived at the hospital to, so thoughtfully, surprise us.  
• I remember the feel of her body collapsing in my arms when I told her Catelyn didn't make it.
• I remember going in to see my baby and not recognizing her.
• I remember thinking this couldn’t be real.
• I remember her hair looking so blonde next to her grayish-purple face.
• I remember the blanket she was swaddled in.
• I remember being almost afraid to touch her.
• I remember her rigid little hands.
• I remember how soft her hair was.
• I remember that I wanted to cut a lock from her hair, but was overwhelmed at the thought of it being her first haircut, so my sister-in-law did instead.
• I remember my sister and sister-in-law doing a lot of the work that no one should ever have to do to preserve memories.
• I remember feeling broken.
• I remember feeling empty.
• I remember feeling this could not be real.
• I remember....