Thursday, December 11, 2014


I am definitely struggling right now.  I feel like I am failing Catelyn's legacy.  Her fifth birthday is in about three weeks, and I haven't done anything to recognize it.

Ideally, I wanted to do something thoughtful and amazing for other children, such as donate toys, books, etc. to the children's hospital; or purchase a bunch of angel tree gifts in her name.

When it comes to celebrating Catelyn's life, I feel like the sky's the limit.  I often forget that there are boundaries to my abilities to give.  I can't do it all by any means, and honestly, I shouldn't want to do it alone.  This is partly why I'm kicking myself right now.  I haven't done anything in her name, and, worse yet, I haven't even spread the word reminding family, friends, my blog readers, or strangers either.

I feel like a crummy angel mom.  How is anyone else going to remember her if I don't remind them?

I bawled my eyes out last night thinking about all of this.

Of course, there are the 'worldly angels' who won't forget my baby girl.  They will do things to honor and remember her on Christmas, on her birthday, even daily.  It just feels like I need to do more.

And it's me who puts the intense pressure on myself....

Honestly, Catelyn isn't disappointed in me.  She doesn't feel like I've failed her.  She loves me whether I am saying her name, sharing her memory, whether her Christmas stocking is stuffed with written notes of good deeds done in her honor, or it sits empty on a hook somewhere.  It's my complex.

I think I feel if I could just do enough in her memory that maybe she could come back to me.  Silly, perhaps, but my guess is that a lot of bereaved parents can relate.

No comments:

Post a Comment