Sunday, April 13, 2014

looking for planks

There is a huge disconnect between the way I see myself, and the way others do.  I don't know how to begin to incorporate 'reality' with my own very skewed perceptions of myself.  Sadly, according to my thoughts, I have no value to offer this world.  I have an enormous laundry list, in my head, of all of the things I've done wrong, and why I am not good.

I've been talking to my therapist, and, as it turns out, I have spent way too much of my life basing my value on the wrong things.  Basically, instead of placing any value in myself and who I am as a person, I placed all of my value in 'things'. 

According to my narrow thoughts "I only have value if I get a college degree in a reputable field of study, if I have a job in my field, if I can afford nice things, if I am married, if I am a mother, if I meet & exceed the highest expectations anyone could have for me.....and so on."  The list is exhausting, and sadly, the items on it really aren't the things that make me valuable to the world.  Besides, in one way or another, I have either denied or lost every single significant item that is on my list of what supposedly gives me value.

Trying to find value in myself and my life feels like an endless struggle.  It is beyond tough. 

Since I don't see any value in myself as a person, I truly cannot fathom how anyone else can.  I have stopped believing people want me in their lives, I have made up stories in my head to convince me why they don't really want me in their lives.  I think things like: "they get paid to tolerate me, they just feel sorry for me, they are my family so they have to care."

I have disconnected myself from so many people, things, and even reality, that it is as though I am out on a ledge on one side of a ravine while everyone else in the world is on the other side.  I feel so separated.

But, there is good news.  My therapist, working with my visual bias for comprehension, explained to me that somehow, there are ropes in place, above the ravine, and if I can find some planks, I can actually start to bridge my way across the ravine.

So, what are these 'planks', and how do I find them? 

'Planks' are when I notice that people around me care.  It's when someone is nice to me, writes me a note, talks to me about my life, invites me out, calls me in the middle of the night to check on me after I make a comment on Facebook that I am having a panic attack, directly tells me that they care about me, sends me a text message, offers me a place to live, checks in on me, etc. 

It's not my job to determine/wonder why they are being nice to me.  It's just important that I recognize people care.

Eventually, after I find a great many planks (perhaps it will take years), I will be able to connect to the fact that people care about me, just because I am me.  And that, my friends, is reason enough.

Now to find those planks...


  1. Tracy- 1st and foremost you are one of THEE most beautiful people I KNOW! 2nd-You are a mother!!!!!!!!!! And don't EVER forget that! She may not be here any longer, but that does not make you "not a mother!" 3rd-I hope I can be a plank for you! I love so much it scares me to hear you say these things about yourself! You are an AMAZING woman! An AMAZING MOTHER! An AMAZING friend! And GOD know you were an AMAZING wife! He may not know it, but I saw it!!!!!!!!!!!
    You have an awesome college degree and you don't need to be married to make any one happy!!
    You have an AWESOME laugh...I can't help but laugh every time you do! And the nice things stuff come from going to Sartell! LOL! You parents really should have thought about that before they sent you! LOL! But, I'm glad you came!!!
    If no one else loves doesn't matter...'cause I do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    1. Tracy that's me Krissy!!!!!!!!!!!!

    2. Oh and by the way It's suppose to say I love you so much, it scares me to hear you say these things about yourself!

  2. Tracy, we are here and friends with you because we like and love you, because we want to be around such a sweet, kind, generous, caring beautiful person who makes our lives so much better just by being in them. I think I did the same thing as you before but in a different way. I felt I had worth because I was married, had a nice house, 2 cars, dogs, went on nice vacations etc. but then all that was gone once I went through my divorce. and I had to realize that many people liked me just for me during the time when that was all I could bring to the table. Also during that time I realized there was way more to who I am as a person and therefore my value or worth than what I was worth based on my assets/possessions etc. People respected me more because I had to go to a laundromat to do my laundry for 6 months because Joe kept our washer and dryer and I had no money to buy my own, so off to the 'mat I'd go, and I was so embarrassed until I found out people respected me for not finding some way (store credit, credit card etc.) to stretch myself thin to get one. And I realized it was more about who we are, how we deal with and handle things, how we treat others whether or not we have a lot of material things or money to share or give than any college degree, home possession, cars or anything else we might "have".

    I will do whatever I can to lay as many planks as I can to be part of your bridge :) love you so much girl!!!