Tuesday, September 18, 2012

a very good show indeed

Tonight, I was watching a tv show that I had never seen before, called "Go On".  The only thing that I knew about the show is that it is supposed to be a comedy starring Matthew Perry. 

What I didn't know going into it, is that Matthew Perry's character has recently experienced the death of his wife.  After a little research, I realize that I saw the 2nd official show tonight (excluding the pilot).

So, there I was, watching this show about a man whose wife has recently died.  He's trying to make his life 'normal' again, and he's going to a group therapy for people who have experienced various life changes.  I didn't know much about the backstory, because this wasn't the first episode.  What I did realize is that there are still people in his life that haven't heard the news. 

One of the people he had to break the news to was his landscaper.  After he told the landscaper, the landscaper began to build a fountain in the yard, in memory of the wife.  It was brightly colored, and had a large woman (perhaps Mary?) at the top of it.  It certainly didn't fit the modern landscaping in the backyard, and some might even say it was tacky.  Nonetheless, it was something that the landscaper needed to do. 

Plenty of funny things happened throughout the show, but a lot of it was quite real to the experiences I've had over the last year.  People trying to do and say the right things without succeeding, people trying to guess what the bereaved are feeling, the group trying to figure out how to (you guessed it) go on.

And then, at the end of the show, I cried.  The people from the life changes group had ended up at Matthew Perry's home, and they heard music coming from the back patio.  When they stepped outside, the fountain had been completed, and it was simply beautiful.  Tears streamed down my cheeks as I thought of all that our friends, family, and even strangers have done for us.

It was overwhelming to watch a tv show about something so close to my heart, but it was such a relief to see it, too.  I don't know if the show will be a huge success, but I truly hope it will be.  After the show was over, I watched the pilot and the 1st official episode on nbc.com - a very good show, indeed. 

Sunday, September 16, 2012

First angel-versary

Catelyn's first angel-versary has come and gone.  September 11th was such a hard day this year.  Every emotion seemed to renew and resurface.  At a point where I thought I had started to progress, it was frustrating to feel like I was back at square one.  It seems like it was just a few days ago that we were in the hospital, waiting things out, and yet again, it seems that the impossible has happened.

What is there to say at this one year mark?  Beats me.

If you would've asked me anything about the one year mark previously, I wouldn't have known what to say.  And honestly, I still don't.  What I do know is that the pain is real, and it's back, and it's pretty much just as fresh and strong as it was when Catelyn died.

There are probably people wondering how it could be so fresh one year later.  Since Catelyn happened to die on September 11th (though 10 years following the United States tragedy), I can best relate it to the events from 9/11/01. 

This year, through Facebook, I was able to watch countless friends and family members write messages of support and remembrance of an event that happened 11 years ago.  They wrote everything that they remember:  where they were, what they were doing, how they felt, how this changed their lives and perspectives....   Each and every one of us was affected.  We felt the pain and agony of the numerous lives lost together.

It is really no different for me with Catelyn's death. I remember where we were and why, how the week had progressed, what we did that day, the realization that things were no longer 'okay', pleading for Catelyn's life to be spared in multiple places within the hospital, and ultimately receiving our news of reality.
When a tragedy occurs in your life, it affects you, not just for one day, one week, one month, or even one year, but for the rest of your life.  Much like the families affected in September 2001, my husband, myself, our families, and our friends will always remember where we were, what we were doing, how we felt, and how our lives and perspectives were changed when we received the news of Catelyn's death.  Over time, the pain may fade a little, but reality will always be there.  And, just like the countless people who lost children, grandchildren, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins and friends on that dreadful day in September 2001, our hearts are forever impacted.

Next year, about this time, Catelyn's angel-versary will surface again.... 
Will it be different?  I don't know. 
Will I feel that panicky feeling as I realize that, as much as I want to, I cannot change the events of 2011?  Possibly. 
Will I make sure that no matter where I am on that date I will find a way to remember my baby?  You're darn right I will.