Sunday, September 16, 2012

First angel-versary

Catelyn's first angel-versary has come and gone.  September 11th was such a hard day this year.  Every emotion seemed to renew and resurface.  At a point where I thought I had started to progress, it was frustrating to feel like I was back at square one.  It seems like it was just a few days ago that we were in the hospital, waiting things out, and yet again, it seems that the impossible has happened.

What is there to say at this one year mark?  Beats me.

If you would've asked me anything about the one year mark previously, I wouldn't have known what to say.  And honestly, I still don't.  What I do know is that the pain is real, and it's back, and it's pretty much just as fresh and strong as it was when Catelyn died.

There are probably people wondering how it could be so fresh one year later.  Since Catelyn happened to die on September 11th (though 10 years following the United States tragedy), I can best relate it to the events from 9/11/01. 

This year, through Facebook, I was able to watch countless friends and family members write messages of support and remembrance of an event that happened 11 years ago.  They wrote everything that they remember:  where they were, what they were doing, how they felt, how this changed their lives and perspectives....   Each and every one of us was affected.  We felt the pain and agony of the numerous lives lost together.

It is really no different for me with Catelyn's death. I remember where we were and why, how the week had progressed, what we did that day, the realization that things were no longer 'okay', pleading for Catelyn's life to be spared in multiple places within the hospital, and ultimately receiving our news of reality.
When a tragedy occurs in your life, it affects you, not just for one day, one week, one month, or even one year, but for the rest of your life.  Much like the families affected in September 2001, my husband, myself, our families, and our friends will always remember where we were, what we were doing, how we felt, and how our lives and perspectives were changed when we received the news of Catelyn's death.  Over time, the pain may fade a little, but reality will always be there.  And, just like the countless people who lost children, grandchildren, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, brothers, sisters, cousins and friends on that dreadful day in September 2001, our hearts are forever impacted.

Next year, about this time, Catelyn's angel-versary will surface again.... 
Will it be different?  I don't know. 
Will I feel that panicky feeling as I realize that, as much as I want to, I cannot change the events of 2011?  Possibly. 
Will I make sure that no matter where I am on that date I will find a way to remember my baby?  You're darn right I will.


  1. I will always remember I was sitting on our couch with Scott when I got your message of Catelyn becoming an angel, and I told him and we just sat there in such shock and my heart ached for you and I felt such pain because I could only imagine the heartache you both and your families were going through, and I felt like there was nothing I could say or do that would be "right" or good or help in any way because how can you help with that kind of pain. You are the strongest woman I know Tracy, and Catelyn knew so much love while she was here that it will remain forever with her in Heaven as she watches down on you and Nic. I will never come to terms with not getting to meet her, I feel so sad to have missed that every time I think of her. But I do feel now like I have met her because I read all your stories and memories faithfully so I am getting to know her now. She, like those on 9/11, will never be forgotten with your love and your stories. With much love, Katya

  2. Tracy, I know Catelyn's angel-versary was a couple weeks ago, but I'm just now reading this post. I, too, remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when I heard the awful news. I was on my lunch break at work. By the time I got to my supervisor's office to tell her that I didn't think I could finish my work day, I was crying so hard I almost couldn't speak. Jon left work early too, and we just spent the rest of the day trying to comfort each other and wishing there was anything we could do to comfort you (but knowing there really wasn't).

    I don't know if September 11th will get easier for you or not... but I do know that your little girl will always be remembered. Always.